


for a chemical imbalance, you sure know how to ride a train

by BoysWillBePups



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Depressive Episode, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Profanity, tw: depression, yet another phoebe bridgers title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27653201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoysWillBePups/pseuds/BoysWillBePups
Summary: It's easy for Theo to believe that emotions are a flaw in the human experience when he feels so sick at the idea of opening up, letting someone in. It's not easy, but Liam has to be his someone.Liam is, as always, abundantly patient and understanding.
Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	for a chemical imbalance, you sure know how to ride a train

**Author's Note:**

> If you are someone suffering from depression, or something similar, and reading about depressive episodes can trigger one, please don't read this! You are loved and important <3

Hard conversations have never been easy for Theo. Talking about his feelings made him vulnerable, and that vulnerability made him scared, which he expressed as anger.

The few times that Theo did open up to someone, he would be left with a pit in his stomach that felt akin to disgust. His skin would feel grimey immediately after, and he would feel itchy all over, like the night with the spider in his truck. To him, even the smallest bit of sharing was oversharing, but he honestly thought it was normal to feel disgusted and regretful after opening up. 

Being cut open and raw made him feel like he ran a marathon, in the worst way possible. And the consequences of being honest? He found them nauseating and hard-to-swallow, like bitter cough syrup running down his throat. He hated being treated like he was weak, or wounded. It’s not easy to go from the person that people always go to for help to a wounded deer in a matter of moments. He wanted- no, _he needed_ to be strong for the people around him, but it’s not always easy. 

Theo didn’t ever plan on opening up to anyone until he and Liam started dating and he realized how serious of a situation he was in. He had believed that maybe something was up with him for a while, he’d have moments where things felt fine, and the next morning he’d wake up feeling like nothing would ever be important, and the feeling would follow him for weeks. Relationships rely on communication, and he'd be kinda lost without Liam. He put off the conversation until it was too late and felt like a fuck-up for procrastinating.

They were walking in a park, barely outside of Beacon Hills. It was a beautiful trail with playgrounds, and fountains, and trees. It reminded Liam of Central Park, though he’d only ever seen it on TV and in films. _(Theo mentioned once that he always dreamed of seeing New York, they’d have to plan a road trip sometime.)_

The two were hand-in-hand, Liam wearing one of Theo’s hoodies, and Theo wearing one of Liam’s. Liam had heard the falter in Theo’s heartbeat and the hitch in his breath before the two of them even sat down on the bench, next to one of many elaborate bird fountains.

Liam rubbed comforting circles on Theo’s hand, counting each of his knuckles as delicately as he could manage. Theo had spoken first that morning, and though it was something small, and he hadn’t said much since, Liam knew that today was different from the previous two weeks. Theo took a deep breath, his heartbeat quickened, the scent of unease wafting through the air. 

“Liam, I- I need to explain,” Theo spoke slow and deliberately, Liam noticing that Theo’s other hand was balled into a fist, the faint scent of blood present.

Liam nodded, hoping his expression could convey his understanding.

“Sometimes,” Theo grit his teeth, discomfort obvious on his face, “sometimes I just have these periods where I just want to stay in my bed, and I want everybody to leave me alone, forever. And I- sometimes I just get so angry, and I lash out when it gets like that, or I don’t speak or I don’t even acknowledge that there are things that I need to do, and I just need you to know that I never want to hurt you. When I’m like that, it feels like I’m not even making my own choices, I _can't_ make my own choices.”

Liam frowns and reaches over Theo’s lap to grab his other hand, uncurling the fist and willing the claws away. He brings both of Theo’s hands up to his lips, kissing each knuckle on both hands before holding them in his lap. “Theo, baby, that’s not normal.” 

Theo nodded, his vision suddenly blurry as he chose to look up at the sky. _God, did he have to be such a fucking pussy about this? He always cried so easily now, it’s getting out of hand. He’s not supposed to show any weakness, let alone such a public display of it while they were out in public._

“Theo, I love you so much, but I think that you need to get some help with this, I don’t want you feeling this way,” Liam spoke softly, and Theo was back to feeling like a wounded animal. 

“Liam, I don’t really want to talk about this,” Theo admitted, his heart thumping a little quicker. He ducks his head, watching their hands. “I just wanted to tell you so that you know, alright? Because I love you too, and sometimes I say things that I don’t mean.”

Liam looked on, wary, but not wanting to push the chimera. He knew that this was already a big step, it’s not easy to talk about problems like this, but admittance is a good first step. “Thank you for being open with me, I am glad that you’re being honest with me. You scared me a little these past few weeks.”

Shame, disgust, unease: the scents swirl around in the atmosphere, Liam feeling nearly suffocated by their suddenness. 

“Hey, it’s okay, Theo. You just weren’t talking to me, and you barely left the bed, and you were sleeping a lot, but now that you’ve explained, I get it.” Liam leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Theo’s forehead. “This isn’t weakness, babe. It’s a sign of strength to ask for help. You’re still the strong, badass chimera that you always were.”

Theo’s lips quirked slightly, the first smile Liam had seen from him in weeks, “badass?”

“Yup,” Liam is quick to agree, his face hovering only millimeters away from Theo’s, “and handsome, and smart, and brave. All of those, and lots more.”

Theo leans in for a chaste kiss, their foreheads are once again drawn together when he pulls away. “You’re pretty good with adjectives.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

A beat of silence.

“But I’m pretty sure I’m better.”

Their moment of domestic bliss turns into a battle of who can be the sweetest, until Liam finally grabs Theo’s hand, leading him in the direction of a cafe that they passed on their walk to the park. They have more hard conversations that night, but Theo starts to feel progressively less sick to his stomach and the conversations feel less difficult to have.

*****

Nearly a month later, Theo doesn’t get out of bed in the morning. It’s nearing 2 pm, and he’s been awake since 10:00, yet he still hasn’t moved from his position on the bed, curled up, facing the wall. Every once in awhile he’ll start to fidget; the only sign that Liam gets that Theo’s even awake.

Liam was right there next to him, as always, holding him close and humming softly, rubbing comforting shapes on Theo’s skin. Theo didn’t make any move to acknowledge Liam or Liam’s efforts, but Theo had admitted in the past that he appreciated when Liam did things like that. 

When the clock strikes 2:00, Liam sits up, cross-cross on the mattress.

“Could you get up and shower for me, The?” His voice is the epitome of softness, the silence feeling delicate and important. Theo gives a nod that’s barely noticeable, not completely there. Liam gently reaches up, squeezing Theo’s shoulder before pulling the comforter down. He lays a kiss on Theo’s temple, lingering there, his lips on Theo’s forehead in what now feels less like an intimate act and more like a religious one. When he pulls away, he walks towards the closet, sliding the door so his clothes could be visible.

“I’ll pick out some clothes for you while you shower, alright Bub?”

Theo nods again, finally turning over, and Liam can see the dimness in his eyes, no sign of spark. Theo sits at the edge of the bed for a moment too long, and Liam stands between his spread legs. He runs a hand through messy bedhead, scratching lightly. A final kiss is granted when Liam leans down, placing one at the crown of Theo’s lowered head. 

Liam pulls away for good, and Theo takes his time to walk to the bathroom door, none of his usual intentionality present, simply just movement for the sake of moving. 

Liam keeps an ear out for the starting of the shower, and the sound of Theo stepping into it, barely audible other than the slight disturbance of the water’s path to hitting the shower floor. 

Theo isn’t really the type to wear sweats outside of the house, but Liam remembers reading something about people wanting comfortability during depressive episodes. He picks out a pair of sweatpants that seem to be oversized, and his own yellow sweater that Theo had previously claimed to be his favourite.

_”That hoodie looks nice on you, Li.”_

_Liam furrows his eyebrows, looking down at the plain yellow hoodie that he’s wearing. “Is it my colour?” He jokes, his eyes crinkling at the corners._

_“No, blue’s your colour, it brings out your eyes.” Theo’s as charming as ever, “Yellow’s just my favourite.”_

_“Oh, really?” Liam walks closer to Theo, crowding his space, “not blue? It is the colour of my eyes, after all.”_

_“Well, yeah,” Theo has a tiny smile on his face, and he’s blushing a little, and Liam thinks it might be the most adorable thing ever. “Yellow’s the colour of you.”_

_Liam does that stupidly cute puppy head-tilt thing, and it just urges the pink of Theo’s face to spread to his ears._

_“Like, you’re yellow,” Theo provides, as if that helps clarify in even the slightest. When he realizes his mistake, he finally relents, elaborating under Liam’s questioning gaze, “like, blue is the colour that looks best on you, but you’re yellow. Yellow is sunlight, and happiness, and stuff like that, ya’know? Yellow is like optimism. Like, sometimes the sun can burn you or whatever, and that really sucks, but usually it’s just up there shining bright, lighting up everything.”_

_Theo didn’t realize that he was looking down at his hands- when did he start looking at his hands?- but Liam starts to stutter, and that grabs his attention._

_The younger boy is far redder than Theo, stammering with wide eyes. It brings a grin to Theo’s face, one that’s so wide and adoring that people would probably be able to detect his lovesickness from miles away. He doesn’t bother waiting for a response, choosing to place a kiss to Liam’s cheek instead, before going back to the cleaning he had been doing._

The shower stops, and Liam has just finished dressing himself when the chimera enters, a towel around his waist as he allows the water from his hair to drip into his eyes. Liam offers a smile, walking over to the door and pushing the wet hair back on Theo’s head. 

“Get dressed, baby. We’re gonna go out.”

Theo simply nods, docile, but Liam's sure that he could visibly see the effort that’s going into the simple movement. 

He makes them bagels, putting a slice of cheese on his everything bagel and spreading half-jam and half-marmalade onto Theo’s poppy seed bagel. He doesn’t bother with coffee, they’ll stop by Newman’s for white hot chocolate, Theo's always loved their drinks.

If Liam weren’t a werewolf, he doesn’t think he would have even heard Theo enter. His footsteps down the creaking steps had been completely silent, his heartbeat the only thing audible. 

He hands Theo the bagel, trying to convey his pleas through his expression. “Breakfast. Please try to have a little.”

Another nod. Another look from sad, pleading eyes. He’s trying, Liam knows it, _and sometimes even trying is hard_.

Liam grabs the keys to the truck, allowing Theo to lace up his boots on his own. He waits patiently, pretending to read a text on his phone until he sees movement in his peripheral vision. Liam grabs his hand, closing the front door behind the two of them. 

The drive is silent, not even the mindedness sound of the classic rock station playing as it usually does. Their windows are both open, taking in the crisp fall air. 

Liam lets Theo stay in the car while he runs into Newman’s. He pre-ordered their drinks, which sit on the counter with “Dunbar” written in big letters on the cups. Liam waves at Yvonne, their usual waitress when the two of them are there. She waves back, jokingly scorning him when he reaches over to put a $10 in the tip jar before dashing out of the cafe. 

Theo is in the exact position that Liam left him when he gets back to the car. Theo’s bagel is unfinished, but he managed to finish half of the marmalade side. It’s a little victory, but a victory nonetheless. Theo hums out something, that could probably be a 'thank-you' when Liam hands him his drink. Liam lets himself smile, if only for a moment, before starting the car.

They end up at Kingston Books, an independent shop that Theo had fallen in love with after stopping by after one of his shifts. Liam rounds the truck to open the door for Theo, taking his hand and waiting until they are walking side-by-side.

Liam waits for Theo to make a move, unsure of where he’d like to look first. There is no sudden spark, or ‘ah-ha!’ moment, but Theo eventually leads them to the classics section, looking for a moment before choosing the Great Gatsby.

“Is that the only one you want? We have time to keep looking, but we can come back another time if that's what you want.” Liam explains, looking around the store. 

Theo nods, switching the book to just one of his hands so he can reach for Liam’s hand with the other. It’s quiet, and Liam can barely hear it over the sound of their footsteps walking to the cash register, but Theo speaks softly, “thanks, Liam.”

Liam replies with a squeeze of Theo’s hand. When he was a kid, his mom used to say that a hand squeeze meant ‘I love you’. He hopes that the small action can still convey something so strong, and everything else that he feels for Theo.

The car is silent again when they get in, but Liam hums softly, making his own music. He brings Theo’s hand to the truck’s clutch, tracing shapes on his knuckles while he drives.

 _Their spot_ in the park is empty when they get there. The drive had only taken 25 minutes, and their drinks were still warm, mostly. Liam pulled the blanket from the trunk, it had once been the blanket Theo slept within his back seat, but it had been repurposed to a picnic blanket since Theo moved in with the Dunbar-Geyers. 

Theo follows behind, knowing where they’re going. They had been back to the park a few times since Theo’s confession. In one of the park’s clearings, there was a willow tree that hung just low enough that it was almost private. The outside world couldn’t see them, and they couldn’t see the outside world. _Their spot._

Liam laid the blanket down, waiting for Theo to finish putting their drinks down in the grass next to it. He smiled warmly, motioning for Theo to sit down next to him. The chimera plopped down, sitting stiffly.

Liam guided Theo’s head down to his lap, running his fingers through Theo’s hair in the soft, comforting way that Theo had always loved. 

Liam took a sip from his drink before reaching for the book and opening it. 

_”In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning in my head ever since."_

Liam continued to gently card his fingers through Theo’s hair, only relenting when the older boy would take a sip of his hot chocolate, softly reading the novel out loud until Theo had dozed off, curling into Liam.

Liam hopes, and prays, and wishes with everything in him that, once this passes, Theo will be ready to get help. But Liam knows that even if he isn’t, he would still be right by Theo’s side, the entire time. The good, _the bad_ , the ugly. Liam will always be here.

Maybe that’s the same reason why he continues to read the novel out loud to its completion, even after Theo has fallen asleep, the warmth of his body anchoring Liam’s own to earth.

**Author's Note:**

> Emotions are hard. 
> 
> (Although I have experience with them, I am not an expert on depression or depressive episodes. If you're feeling like Theo, please don't feel ashamed to reach out to someone, or even to vent in the comments or something.)


End file.
